Sports or No Sport Parts Unknown
Last modified on 2012-01-04 02:32:39 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
It’s been a while since I’ve taken a look at what sports actually are indeed sports and those that aren’t. So long I forgot how many I’ve done (I could probably check but that inherent lazy-thing kicked in), so this edition comes from the same place former WWF wrestler the Missing Link comes from…..unknown.
Wrestling – I’m not talking about the WWE here. We all know it’s fake and any dude over the age of 15 who watches that trash on a regular basis probably doesn’t get laid (you normally don’t see a dude with a John Cena tee shirt with a group of good looking ladies around him). I’m talking about Greco-Roman style wrestling. You know that shit you see in the Olympics and what overly jocked-out guys in high school were into.
In saying all that, it is 100% NOT a sport. Personally I find it to be extremely homo-erotic. Think about it, two dudes wearing skin-tight singlets essentially in a 69 (one of them is biting a pillow)? That’s not a sport, it borderlines on sodomy. If Greco-Roman wrestling is a sport, foreplay is as well because that’s all it really is.
Competitive Facial Hair Growing – This has been a new “sport” in recent days, and guess what, it’s not remotely a sport. Dirty hipsters sporting flannel shirts, trucker hats, and big beards isn’t a sport. It’s what you see at happy hour in most bars in Williamsburg or South Philadelphia.
While it might be a contest, growing a big moustache or beard doesn’t involve any athletics (with the possible exception of giving moustache rides), there’s a good chance you’re a douche.
(SIDEBAR: I might be a little biased here since I’m pretty much hairless, and it takes me over a month to have some assemblance of a beard, so I can’t compete in any of these reindeer games. Even if I had the ability to grow a beard though it still wouldn’t be a sport.)
Figure Skating – There’s good and bad when it comes to figure skating. The good is hot Eastern European girls scantily dressed prancing around a hockey rink for five minutes. The bad is Eastern European and Canadian dudes dressed like Liberace prancing around a hockey rink for five minutes.Now where I come from, dudes dressed like Liberace prancing around a hockey rink for five minutes aren’t participating in a sport, they’re trolling for ass. I’ll go as far as saying that figure skaters are athletes (hell, my fat ass can’t do it), and they do get points for the hot chick factor, but I can’t get over the whole Liberace nonsense to approve this as a sport.
Bocce – This is absolutely a sport. It’s such a sport that I can play it on my iPhone whenever I want, and I do. The closest thing on the planet to horseshoes (which is also a sport), has actually started to sprout up in Brooklyn where bars will have indoor bocce courts and leagues (what goes better with a can of lukewarm Pabst than bocce?).
While it’s not the same as the traditional bocce (in which the players are normally old Italian guys wearing plaid shorts, knee-high brown socks, and sandals, all while smoking cheap cigars), it’s good to see Italy’s sport getting love among the drinking community in Brooklyn.
If you’ve never played bocce, you should get off your ass and give it a try. That shit will change your life.
Rodeo – I was originally on the fence about rodeo. Sure it takes ability to rope a hog or ride one angry-ass bronco, but it’s more of a game of skill and you’re relying on an animal to do a lot of the work. Animals aren’t athletes, they’re just an accessory.
Then I thought about it more and once I factored in that the south prison rodeos are kind of a big deal, it got my blessing as a sport.
There’s an asterix when it comes to rodeo though. Being a rodeo clown is not part of the sport. Rodeo clowns are suicidal morons. While the typical athlete isn’t going to be in MENSA any time soon, you have to take life to whole new level of stupidity to be a rodeo clown.
Dog Racing – It’s not a sport, let’s just get that out of the way right now. It’s an activity for degenerate gamblers to piss away their rent money before their wives find out they got paid. I’ll go as far as saying that dog racing is so white trash, degenerate card players and guys at the OTB betting on the ponies frown upon the garbage at a dog track.
The only thing trashier than the actual piece of shit that bets on dog racing, are the trashbags who actually own the dogs that are racing. I’m far from being a member of PETA, but those assholes really abuse the greyhounds that are used to race. To make matters worse, once the dog is past their prime, they’re discarded like a used cigarette butt.
Adopt a greyhound; I hear they’re nice dogs.
Weight Lifting – Just because you take so many steroids and supplements that you can lift 700 pounds doesn’t make you an athlete or part of a sport. It makes you a meathead with the personality of a dishtowel and an IQ to go along with it. If I’m at a magazine shop, I’ll normally look at the covers of weightlifting magazines. I find it funny looking at these puffed up jerkoffs with veins sticking out of every part of their body are trying to be a “men”.Ladies, if you encounter one of these juiceheads expect not to be happy in the bedroom; all that juice shrinks their junk away.
Oh and don’t even get me started on female bodybuilders. That’s just gross. There’s nothing remotely attractive about a chick with no fun bags that can beat me at arm wrestling.
Kickball – God damn do I love me some kickball. The sport we all loved as a kid has made a comeback with adults and kickball leagues are where it’s at. What makes kickball great is that it barely takes a ton of talent, so any asshole can play it, even with a buzz.
There’s also another benefit. Since you can get a runner out by throwing the ball at them, it’s a great way to get rid of some aggression by hitting some dipshit who’s pissed you off in the past in the back of the head (oops).
Cardboard Tube Fighting – I didn’t know people actually considered this a sport and frankly you shouldn’t because it’s stupid. Basically you make shields out of cardboard and use the inner tube from wrapping paper as a sword. Now while I probably participated in something like this when I was 8 or 9, if you’re doing this shit as an adult you should be ashamed of yourself (even the wrestling assholes with the John Cena tee shirts are pulling in more trim than you).
I’m guessing dudes who participate in this sort of “hobby” (and I use that term very loosely because cardboard tube fighting is really lame), collect comic books, play Dungeons and Dragons, attend Star Trek conventions and renaissance fairs, and live in their parents basement. If you’re an adult and you’re cardboard dueling you need to think long and hard about where you went wrong in life.
What are your thoughts? Can you convince me that cardboard dueling is actually a sport (along with convincing me that you have pride and self-esteem), or that bocce isn’t? Let me know. Hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com. There still is that Twitter thing we do and I’m going to keep hammering all of you until you follow us. You’ll get updates from TSR! and some of our stupid shenanigans @TheSportsRiot.
One Small Step for man, One Giant Leap for an aspiring Radio Guy
Last modified on 2012-01-04 15:31:07 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
TSR! has taken to the airwaves after a year away from the microphone. They thought we could be stopped, and they were wrong. This is only the beginning, but the rest is up to you. Rioters!, download this and spread the word; Advanced Fandom is here to stay, and The Sports Riot! will serve as the messengers to deliver it to the masses. Hate the Team, Love the Fan! It’s The Sports Riot!
The Audio Blog Returns 12/1/11
Sport or No Sport?
Last modified on 2012-03-13 14:58:35 GMT. 4 comments. Top.
Maybe I’m feeling a little surly about the nice weather recently and these golf assholes thinking the 19th hole is my corner bar. Maybe it’s that stupid green jacket you win at The Masters that has pissed me off, but I’m getting a little sick and tired of these so-called athletes talking about how grueling their poor little millionaire lives are. Personally, baseball, football, hockey, and basketball are sports. The rest are on the fringe and should be in the category behind lawn darts. Most of these “sports” are nothing more than over-produced leisure activities for people with too much money to waste, so I’m out to set the record straight on what is an actual sport and what is nothing but a mental health day away from the office.
Golf
Sorry to break your hearts folks, but golf is NOT a sport. It’s a leisure activity for the rich (and currently not so rich if you get your public course on), who have no place to spend their money. Granted, I’m sure it’s real grueling to walk around a field as you stroke your balls 450 yards just to try and sink it in a little hole. Bullshit. I don’t buy into it for a second. As a matter of fact that description alone sounds like what a creepy bastard armed with duct tape and a white van does on a Friday night (which isn’t a sport either). Besides, any activity that has a “mini” version isn’t a sport to me.
Maybe back in the 80’s when golf consisted of coked out doctors and lawyers doing their best to deviate their septum’s, it might be a sport, but even then not really, it just added a dodgier side to an activity about as fun to watch as flies f*ck.
Two more words that prove golf isn’t a sport: John Daly. Does he strike you as an athlete? I think not…
Bowling
This is 100% absolutely a sport. If you can drink beer, smoke cigarettes, and compete against another man, you should never complain. In fact you should embrace it. It’s how bonds and rivalries are formed. I want to see one of those golf fags bowl a 300 game. It’ll never happen (the obvious excuse would be because their legs are so tired from walking the links).
Lest not forget the bitchin’ shirts you wear, and polyester pants. It’s like a late 70’s disco, only a lot f*cking better.
Also, if there’s a shot Walter Sobchek will pull a piece on you for going over the line, it’s damn sure a sport.
Tennis
Swing and a miss on this one. Not a sport. This is the hobby the coked up wives of doctors and lawyers in the 80’s did while the boys were playing a little small ball. This of course when they weren’t taking advantage of the gardener in the pool house. Unless you are from an Eastern Bloc country looking for a way out and weren’t man enough to play hockey, running back and forth hitting a little green ball is stupid. When you see Jim Courier and Boris Becker do you think man? I think not. Billy Jean King and Martina Navratilova had bigger balls.
The one redeeming value of tennis is John McEnroe. Only because he was such an asshole it made Wimbledon worth watching (and he also married Patty Smyth, so I guess John is “The Warrior”).
Poker
Although I do take part in card game from time to time (most recently in a van), this is not a sport. This is a card game started by degenerate gamblers looking for a reason to come home and beat their wives (normally if they won or lost). It’s now evolved into a phenomenon which has become a favorite pastime at frat houses all over the United States (slightly edging out date rape). While it does take some skill (a good face and reading other people), and players think they have an edge by covering their face like they are ready to knock off a liquor store, 90% of the game is the luck of the draw. If Gerry the retarded comedian from Facts of Life can have a shot at winning a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament, then it’s definitely not a sport.
Don’t even get me started on the “World Series of Poker”. What a crock of shit that is. First off, I swear this “World Series” happens four times a year, and outside of Doyle Brunson, consists of some of the biggest sleazebags in North America. It’s the equivalent of five Mexicans playing dominos in front of a bodega in the South Philly, minus a TV deal from ESPN.
In saying all this, I do stand behind the World Series of Dice. I’m a big supporter of Ashy Larry.
Polo
Polo is a crossbreed of field hockey and croquet on a horse. I just wish there was a goalie on a horse too. Are the polo players athletes? I wouldn’t say so, since the horses do the work and most polo players are plagued with a disease called douchebaggery.
The jury is still out on this one, but I might lean toward yes. We’ll come back to this at a later date.
Bull Riding
Bull riders are the kind of guys you don’t want to fuck with, but is it a sport? You’re goddamn right it is. What is more balls out then riding a pissed off bull with one hand for eight seconds, knowing if you fall off that bull he can impale you with his horns or simply trample you? Those are some hard facts to face before you get on that bull. Is Phil Mickleson man enough for this task? No shot. I also guarantee Tiger Woods or Pete Sampras wouldn’t make the grade either (even Chad “Your Last Name is F*cking Stupid” Ochocinco only lasted 1.5 seconds on a bull).
Besides, it’s the only manly thing you can do in chaps. Everything else involves sweaty men dancing to the Village People drinking daiquiris (which is also not a sport)…
Volleyball
Do you know what is great about volleyball? Hot chicks, marginally dressed, whose bodies are glistening with baby oil and sweat, covered in sand. Do you know what’s not great about volleyball? Dudes who wear visors.
Beach volleyball is a great beach activity, but not a sport. It’s like building a sand castle, but a little more physical, and hopefully it involves a 12 pack and a couple fine looking little chippies.
Indoor volleyball (you know the nine man team game you played in jr. high gym class or at some lame company picnic), is flat out stupid. When I was in high school my girlfriend at the time played collegian volleyball for FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology), and she was a hell of a designer, but nowhere close to being an athlete.
Horseshoes
Yes! Horseshoes is the BBQ sport of trailer parks all over Georgia, Florida, and Alabama. Anytime you can wear cut off dungaree shorts, a Newport tee shirt, and toss shoes life isn’t half bad.
I remember back in the late 90’s, I was Florida at a buddies BBQ and there was a horseshoe pit (when you play in a “pit”, it’s clearly a sport). My buddy Matt’s drunk brother Mike showed up (I actually watched this guy get shot once. It’s not what you think, but it’s for another time), with a Winn Dixie bag, with hooves hanging out of it. Apparently a Mustang hit a deer in front of Mike’s trailer and he salvaged the good meat. So yeah, I ate road kill (don’t judge me), and drank Busch Light. But I did have 3 ringers in a hardcore horseshoe tournament.
When you go to that level, you’re a mother*cking athlete.
Cheerleading
Just because you’re on ESPN doesn’t mean it’s a sport. World Strongest Man is on ESPN, and that’s just a bunch of fat, marginal retarded Europeans carrying giant rocks. Oh, and if you’re a dude who cheerleads, don’t tell anyone. You’re not cool; you look like an emasculated asshole.
My ex-wife was a cheerleader. Although she was in good shape, she wasn’t an athlete.
If you think I missed any don’t worry, I’ll be addressing this weekly. If you have some requests you think I might miss, hit me up at shatmeself@yahoo.com, and I’ll be happy to address them.
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