Before Prior even stepped foot on the mound at Wrigley Field, he was already praised as the next Sandy Koufax. Armed with a mid-90’s fastball and “perfect mechanics”, Prior was a hottest prospect to enter the draft in at least 50 years. The days leading to the 2001 draft the Minnesota Twins couldn’t wait to use the first overall pick on Prior. For some reason on draft day, the Twins duped the baseball world. They didn’t draft Prior like expected. They wasted the pick on a catcher named Joe Mauer (I bet their kicking themselves in the ass for that). The Cubs had the second overall pick and they were expected to draft some scrub named Mark Teixeira, but bypassed him to grab Prior (how could they not, he fell into their lap).
It only took nine minor league starts before Prior made it to the show. He only went 6-6 in his first major league season, but he rose to glory in the 2003 season. Prior led the Cubs with an 18-6 record. The Lovable Losers were primed for a World Series trip, until Prior was screwed by an anti-Prior fan named Steve Bartman. Bartman interfered with Moises Alou on a foul ball, and once Alou missed the ball, the Cubs came unraveled. Prior was never the same, and it’s all because of Steve Bartman.
From 2004-2006 Prior was riddled with “shoulder problems”. This caused Cubs fans to blame then-manager Dusty Baker for overusing him. I’m not buying that bullshit. Prior had “perfect mechanics”. How is it possible he had a bum shoulder??? My theory is Prior was the victim of a vast conspiracy theory masterminded by Steve Bartman.
Bartman had the money and the connections to blackball Prior. It is unknown the reasoning Bartman was this big of an asshole, but he made his life’s mission to decimate Prior. Prior tried numerous comebacks with the Yankees, Padres, Rangers, Red Sox, and Reds. It never worked because every time he was ready to take his mound back, there was Bartman, knocking Prior down. Prior had no choice but to finally announce his retirement. Even on the day of his announcement the spotlight was stolen from Prior. That selfish prick Roy Halladay also announced his retirement. Halladay couldn’t hold Prior’s jock.
Prior will go down in the company of other MLB greats like Ramon Martinez, Scott Sanderson, Geoff Zahn, and Neil Allen.
Praise Mark Prior with me. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow me on Twitter @JayPlatt.
Ok, there are legendary mascots like the Phillie Phanatic or the San Diego Chicken, and although tolerable their novelty wears thin. Then there are the ridiculous mascots like the big orange guy in Syracuse or The Blue Blob at Xavier. Those mascots, although absurd, are at least funny because they make no sense. In general I hate mascots, especially college mascots. So instead of bitching about it to my friends at the bar, I’ll torture you with what tortures me.
5 – “Uga” – University of Georgia. Oh look, a cute little bulldog. Fitting right? Considering they are known as the Georgia Bulldogs? Here’s my issue. It’s an actual dog! Maybe things are different in Georgia then the rest of the country, but a dog isn’t a mascot; it’s a pet (or lunch if you’re Korean). Where’s PETA when you need them? Have you seen that little bastard on the sidelines? He’s constantly panting. Maybe some third string linebacker should make sure the puppy has a bowl of water instead of trying to play grab-ass with a cheerleader.
While I do agree it’s better than some frat boy asshole in a stuffed bulldog costume, a live dog is better suited sleeping on some redneck’s porch than strolling the sidelines panting.
4 – “Billiken” – St. Louis University. I know what you are thinking. What the hell is a Billiken?!? Well after doing some research I found that a Billiken is a good luck charm that was developed in 1908. The mystique behind it is that if you buy one you would receive good luck but if you were given one you had even better luck (and who says you can’t learn anything at The Sports Riot!?). A Billiken looks like a cross between a garden gnome and Buddha (think of Phil Kessel). I actually find it to be a bit creepy.
This brings us to Billiken the mascot. It doesn’t look like Phil Kessel. It looks like Boo-Berry spawned a child with a fruit bat. If you’re wondering why Bat Boy hasn’t graced the cover of the Weekly World News lately it’s because he got a job at St. Louis University. That creepy bastard is cheering on the University of St. Louis basketball court and frightening children. Frankly I can’t see cheering for an albino bat with a shit-eating grin.
3 – “Chief Osceola” – Florida State. If you’ve seen a Florida State football game you’ve seen Chief. He’s the guy dressed like an injun who comes riding horseback on the field with a spear. How many levels of fucked up is this? Take a bunch of stereotypes and make it your mascot?!?! They might as well have him ride out drunk and change his name to Chief Firewater; at least that way they are covering all Indian stereotypes.
I know Florida, especially the panhandle, can be real loose when it comes to racism. I also understand most people don’t think it’s racist using Indian names and stereotypes in sports, but it is (as funny as it might be sometimes). What would the public opinion be if some community college in Mississippi named their team The Spooks? The Spooks mascot is Sambo. It’s a white guy in black face with a nappy wig and big fake lips leading the crowd to the chant “massa set me free.” There might be a problem right? Like it or not, there’s no difference between Sambo and Chief Osceola. There’s no place for racism ANYWHERE.
Yeah, I just went there.
2 –”Sebastian the Ibis” – University of Miami. I have a theory here when it comes to Sebastian. I don’t think he’s really an ibis. Hear me out here. I’m thinking Howard the Duck fell on hard times. His life as a crime fighter eventually led him to the dark world of pornography. This porn addiction led him to star in a few feature films (most notably “The Spy Who Ducked Me”), but once producers realized he was an actual duck, he was unable to find work. This caused Howard to go into a downward spiral where alcohol, hookers, and cocaine became his world. Once Howard ran out of money he was forced into panhandling and turning tricks in the Chelsea section of New York.
In 2000 Howard was busted for male prostitution, bestiality, and possession of crystal meth. After a brief stint at Rikers Island, followed by rehab, Howard found Jesus and lived a sober life. This is when Howard turned to the life of a mascot. The University of Oregon needed a new duck mascot and Howard fit the bill (no pun intended).
Howard flourished at U of O. He even got engaged to a sexy mallard. That’s when the university felt that Howard wasn’t tough enough to represent the school. He was edged out and replaced by RoboDuck (one third duck, one third robot, and one third Peter Weller). Howard called off his engagement and fell off the wagon. It was on December 13, 2010 when Howard, in an alcohol and meth-filled rage, stormed the field and attacked RoboDuck. He was arrested on the spot and thrown back in jail. After serving 90 days Howard was released on one condition, he does work release for the University of Miami as their mascot. Although an ibis is a rival of the duck, Howard accepted this deal to avoid further jail time.
Unfortunately for Howard the entire duck community shuns him for portraying a lesser fowl.
1 – “The Stanford Tree” – Stanford University. Ok, this mascot is just plain stupid. I understand when your logo is a tree and your team name is the Cardinal your hands might be tied, but to make the mascot a tree is terrible. To make matters worse, it doesn’t even look like a tree. The costume looks like it was made by a bunch of pre-school kids with construction paper and glitter. The asshole in the costume could at least wear brown pants so his legs appeared to be a trunk while he prances around. He’s wearing band pants! If I had a child, I wouldn’t allow them to go to Stanford (or Penn State for that matter), based solely on their stupid mascot.
They would have been better off spray painting Grimace green and gluing leafs to him.
Little Boy – University of Nebraska (he looks like the sexual by-product of Bob the Big Boy and The Staypuft Marshmallow Man).
Mayor McCheese – University of McDonalds (I find it hard to believe anyone can be a mayor when their head is a sandwich)
Which mascot do you hate? Which do you love? Hit me up at email@example.com and we can discuss it. Be sure to follow us on twitter @JayPlatt. You’ll be glad you did. Ok, I’m done with selfless whoring on myself. Until next time…
Jack Buck’s MNF Memories
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