I wish I could pinpoint why I hate Harper, but I can’t. He’s just one of those players who rub me the wrong way. I actually cheered when Cole Hamels came out and admitted that he intentionally hit Harper with a pitch. I too felt he deserved it. Yesterday I heard an interview with Orioles closer Jim Johnson and he made the point that some players don’t like a 19-year-old player acting like a 19-year-old. It makes sense, maybe I’m just getting old (get off my goddamn lawn kids!). Anyway, enough of my own digressions through the aging process, why does Bryce Harper deserve a punch in the face?
On obvious reason might be last season when he blew a kiss to a pitcher as he rounded third base after hitting a home run. While it was funny from a comic standpoint (I’ve seen Bull Durham too), from a baseball standpoint it was a real amateur move (although it did inspire me to induct Mike Schmidt as the first person on the PinFL, because his stupid comments after the stunt Harper pulled). That could be a reason, but it’s more dated than Chuck Norris jokes.
There’s also the fact that he has a quazi-mullet, and puts so much black on his face it’s enough to make Alice Cooper and Ted Danson jealous (SIDEBAR: If you don’t get the Ted Danson reference, he showed up at a birthday party for Whoopi Goldberg in black face. I shouldn’t have to explain this). While looking like an asshole is grounds for a punch in the face, I’d rather laugh how stupid he looks.
Then most recently, after striking out three times he threw a temper tantrum and slammed his bat into a concrete wall. This backfired and the dipshit ended up clocking himself in the head, which required ten stitches. That’s not a reason to punch him in the face. In fact I encourage more of that behavior because it’s funny.
The reason I want to punch Bryce in the face (besides is stupid name), is I just don’t like him. He’s a kid who acts like he’s a cocky veteran. Personally I hoped when he was brought up to the majors he would fail and his confidence would be crushed. It looks like that’s not going to happen. So to go along with Cole’s intentional plunk, I’d like to welcome to manhood with a plunk in the jaw. Maybe after I hit him I can pinpoint why I can’t stand him.
Cry Meter: This is tricky one. Bryce is so arrogant he probably won’t see the punch coming which is a distinct advantage, but he wears so much shit on his face there’s a good shot my fist might slide right off his cheek (eye black is like Vaseline). Regardless, I’ll make the most of my shot. 6 out of 10 tears
I’m probably in the minority here because I can see Harper becoming the Tebow of MLB (he is a Mormon you know), but I’m the same guy who wanted to punch God in the face. Good or bad, let me know. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I might even reply. Also follow us on Twitter @TheSportsRiot and on Facebook at www.facebook.com/TheSportsRiot.
Jack Buck’s MNF Memories