The Riot! Criminal Bracket Draft Finale…..or Finally

By shana On March 15, 2011 · Leave a Comment

ROUND 7

Floyd Landis (PE Drugs, being a tattletale) – So I’m going from a true criminal act, assault and battery, to just the criminal act of claiming to be legitimate, when you’re not. Floyd Landis, a dude who rides a bike for a living (no offense Lance Armstrong, but c’mon…..you make a living riding a Huffy), and lied not only about his own drug use, but other peoples too. Only a true douche bag takes down a whole team when he gets caught with a needle in his ass. And his name is Floyd. When I hear that, I think of 2 things. AOF (I’ll explain at a later date), and the dude who played guitar in the Muppets with the glasses.

Jay is up

OJ (Kidnapping/Burglary) – As I’m sitting backstage at the Off With Their Heads, Against Me!, & Dropkick Murphy’s show in Philadelphia, I’m a bit upset that Pacman is off the market. Reason being my stripper friend, who was my date for the evening stood me up (insert stripper joke here). So I had to think hard about this one and I can’t believe he’s slipped to Round 7, but I gotta go with OJ the kidnapper.

The obvious biggest a*hole in this field to the point he’s on here twice is proof karma exists and that he’s about as smart as an empty bottle of vodka. This dickweed hired a crew of people to steal his own shit back in a Vegas hotel with 500 cameras recording it all. Why Nordburg was there himself still baffles me, but this is the same guy who’s non-sexual homosexual lifemate was Kato Kalin.

Ant is up

Shooter McGavin (Conspiracy to murder/ Stealing) – In a real sleeper pick, Buck selects Shooter Mcgavin, pro golfer from Happy Gilmore. Unwilling to settle for 2nd place and to share his spotlight, Shooter hired a would-be assassin to mow down Happy in broad daylight. True gangsta fashion. Known for top flight lines like, “Stay out of my way, or you’ll pay. Listen to what I say.” Shooter’s a marketing dream.

Next up.

Darryl Strawberry (assault/Domestic abuse/drugs/weapon…….what hasn’t he done, and he’s still a free man?) – It’s widely accepted that the 1986 NY Mets were like a party at studio 54. Women, dancing, and oh yea…DRUGS. My God, if half the rumors are true, there were a shit-ton of drugs being done in ’86. But these weren’t your trendy performance enhancing drugs like you see today. This was amphetimines, coke, even crack in Darryl’s case. So besides the drugs, this waste of Hall of Fame talent was arrested not once….but twice for assaulting his wife. One time he broke her nose, and the second time he used a deadly weapon. So that’s enough for one career right? WRONG! Then he was arrested for striking his girlfriend and then he was charged with failing to make child support payments. And then, to top it all off, an indictment for tax evasion. Either he’s the dumbest man alive, or just plain awful. I mean, Darryl, you’re a washed, could’ve been, drug addict, wife beater, dead beat dad, who doesn’t pay his taxes. So you’re a bad American too. WTF? Kill Yourself.

Chris, you’re next

WOW, did anyone see the Shooter McGavin pick? I didn’t. And I can’t believe OJ, the second, made it this far. Oh, well, I guess he has to be a favorite in this bracket right? We shall see. With 2 rounds to go, let’s see what other surprises are in store.

ROUND 8

Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn (grand theft auto/bad hair) – I know this is not an original idea, because we saw Shooter McGavin taken in the last round. But with the spirit of this tourney being what it is, and Charlie Sheen’s antics of late, what better criminal is there? Wild Thing I think I love you, you Vatican high priest warlock you. I’m “WINNING” with this pick, that’s for sure. All Vaughn has to say is “You want me to take him out back and kick the shit out of him?” And then it’s over for whoever opposes.

Jay is on the clock

Gilbert Arenas (Weapons possession) – Hmmm… I think my bracket is lacking basketball… Gilbert Arenas made himself a homemade a*hole. What kind of dude pulls a piece out at a poker game??? Go a step further dickbag was on a charter flight.

Shit, if Gil lost the lettuce he should have got his ashes and practiced lent…

Ant?

Donte Stallworth (DUI Manslaughter) – Donte stallworth is bucks next pic. A man who made a career crossing the middle had a hard time staying in the lanes. Mowing down a pedestrian and only 30 days in the clink. Plax needs his lawyers. If only he had some sweatpants.

Deb?

Mercury Morris (Drug Trafficking) – WOW, how did we miss this one. One of the most annoying sports figures that I can remember, Mr. ’72 Dolphin himself, Mercury Morris. Not Czonka. Not Griese. Not Buonocotti or Little. No, Mercury Morris. Every year, when a team goes 12-0, this dick is on TV talking about the F$%king ’72 Dolphins. He was a bit player. I know he had 1,000 yards that season, but in the grand scheme, other than his name, Mercury Morris was very forgettable. That is of course until 1982, when he was arrested and convicted of Drug trafficking. But we don’t hear about that anymore, do we. No! It’s all, 14-0, ’72. Did you suck dick for money too? A*Hole.

Next

Well, it was only a matter of time before we had a Charlie Sheen sighting right? He is a Hero of the Revolution, so it works. Also, harsh words for Mercury Morris. Tell us how you really feel. On to the final round of our draft. Here we go.

Final Round

Frankie Rodriguez (assault) – You gotta love the fiery attitude a closer has, huh? He closes ball games, and his father-in-law’s mouth. Apparently he can deal with 75,000 boo’s, but an in law criticizes him, and his lip gets bloodied. As a Met fan myself, this seems to be the way the Mets are going these days. But you can’t pick against a guy who blasts his in-law in the mouth…in public. I’m envious, I have to say.

Jay, final pick

Luis Polonia (Statutory Rape/Giant Glove) – I’ve got a thing for sexual deviants so I had to bust out a little Luis Polonia. The former Yankees outfielder banged a 17-year old. He’ll say she looked legal, but she told her dad about it, thus becoming statutory rape. Since he did time, I hope he got some ass play…

Ant, for the last time

Kobe Bryant (Rape) - Buck’s going with his favorite, Kobe Bryant in the 9th round. The super villain handles the rock like he handles his ladies; hard and with lots of dribbling. The entire state of Colorado is stricken with fear by Kobe’s presence. Even Kiki Vandeweghe couldn’t handle it and chose to move onto Jersey.

And the Last pick is…….

Pete Rose (tax evasion) – Ok, so he bet on baseball, and didn’t pay his taxes. So what? Ok, so he looks and acts like a loan shark, or the creepy dude who used to own the baseball card shop down the road from you when you were a kid. Big deal? But my God, he used to sport the “moe.” You cannot bet against a guy who sported a “moe” hair style for 20+ years. If you ask Pete, he says he’s going off at 50 to 1, and he’s a lock. The best 9 seed ever. PLACE YER BETS! PLACE YER BETS!

So that’ll wrap it up from here. Honorable mentions go to Allen Iverson, for never needing to practice, Roger Clemens for making people actually hate you, and Ricky Williams for providing these proceedings with all the herb we could possibly need for this, and the next 6 events. See you when the games begin on Thursday. I’m Phil McCracken, and remember……it ain’t rape if they can’t say NO! Bye Bye for now..